Woke from another nightmare last night. No matter how far I run the darkness just keeps creeping back, its like this black spot on my soul I just cant wash clean. Some actions are unforgivable whether they were intentional or not. I still see her face, i still see the carnage, it is haunting me. Same dream almost to the image every-time like something does not want me to “get over it”. On most occasions I would have you there and just you rubbing my back would remind me I am not there anymore, that there is a light…..but now it just seems like an endless twilight.
The day today was ok, nothing spectacular, got some info on the gym to try to make Manchild happy. He really wants to hit the gym and I would love to do that with him, I think it will help us grow together. For all the feelings of wanting my kids to look at me the way I always wanted to look at my father, I sure as hell have not done much……batting negative 1000….managed to royal screw up TT and Dorian…..I need to get this right.
Talked to you off and on today, conversations were good, i think we are working through family issues as a team. I have to live up to my end of this, I have to make you proud of me again, make you see ME again…. I am really trying to be the man you deserve by your side……Good Night Donna!