Its been and up and down week so far, started off with a good weekend, but it just kind of slid downhill from there. Kids are doing great, when its all said and done they are fine….I however….man this is tough….even harder because I know the choices you have made for assignments. This whole thing makes me sick, that you are having to do this for us…. it should be me suffering not you. Had another nightmare…same ole same ole, i just cant find peace with it…..I have long embraced the fact that if there is a hell I will be going there and I will be damned to relive that moment for all eternity….Don’t worry I have mastered the art of the fake smile and fake happy disposition for the kiddos…. but I just feel so weak without you.
Brandon’s wife messaged me, it hit me really hard, I did not want to tell you because I know how much you have on your plate right now. Her family is doing a big Barbecue in July on the Anniversary of his death……they are inviting everyone that served with him….I don’t even know how to deal with this…we will be getting there right around then to spend those last weeks with you before you go…….I don’t think I am strong enough to do that. It has been almost 9 years since that day…..it still should have been me. What have I done with my life since then except almost destroy anything that meant anything to me, I almost lost you…hell if I am being real with myself…I still may, i screwed up TT and Dorian and shut out the kids for way to long……..its hard babe….I don’t know what to do.
The money issue as you know is working itself out, it will be tight but don’t worry I got this. Bought enough food for the next week and a half as long as I stick to the meal plan I have. I already have had to skip some more meals because there was not enough for the kids and I. Today was the first time I ate anything in almost three days…. I don’t want to touch anything for fear of needing it in a few days. I cant believe you did this for so long and I never noticed it or really appreciated you.
Met with Ila about TT and PJ, of course you know all of that… I really hope I can deliver this for them and then come through for them. I am so scared of failing, I want to prove myself to you and the kids….if there is a god….please help me because I am kind of drifting here …. I am sorry, I am sorry that you deserved far more than I ever gave you….I love you. Good Night Donna.