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I Loved You When

Original song: By Thomas Reed for my wife Donna Reed  02/14/2017

I loved you from our first kiss, I Loved you from that night,

I loved you when you held me oh so tight, and I loved you when you had to say goodnight

But no matter how much I love you, No matter where you go, No matter why you leave

I don’t know how to say goodbye

I loved you when your were speechless, when I got down on one knee,

I loved you when you said yes, and you said I love you best.

But no matter how much I love you, No matter where you go, No matter why you leave

I don’t know how to say goodbye

I loved from our first island sunset, I loved you when I held our son,

I loved you when I left for war and that made me love you more,

But no matter how much I love you, No matter where you go, No matter why you leave

I don’t know how to say goodbye

I loved you in the winter, in the autumn, in the spring,

I loved you through our travels and I loved to hear you sing.

But no matter how much I love you, No matter where you go, No matter why you leave

I don’t know how say goodbye

I’ll love you when we’re older, no matter how far apart we may grow,

and I’ll love you till my last breath, until my eyes grow slowly cold.

But no matter how much I love you, No matter where you go,

No matter why you leave, I won’t ever say goodbye

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It’s a Wonderful Life

Well its day 3 of this new phase in our lives together/apart.  I like to think I will be like Jimmy Stewart’s character George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life and tomorrow morning I will wake up and you will be here and I will have many more Christmases with you to make everything right in the world….but we don’t live in a fantasy world….dreams and wishes don’t come true on their own, you have to make them.  Like Jimmy Stewart’s character I had everything I could ever want….but just did not realize it.

So I have a real confession to make…..I knew, I had a pretty good feeling for awhile back in Dhaka and I was almost 100% sure when we came to Estonia about what was going on.  I knew and I don’t know why I did not do anything. You see I really , honestly didn’t know what to do. I through the words at you but none of the deeds. I think knowing , like am idiot, prevented me from acting, I dont even really know why now I can.  I think it is because I still had to wake up, I still was trying to find a way to climb those last few feet out of the emotional whole I have been in for years (Satge 3 that we talked about the other day)

I also knew when we were home for Christmas, but this is where I started to have my realizations and was only then when I was able to finally do for you what I should have been doing all along….yes I know, a day late and a dollar short.  But I had told you well before that I was making these changes to be a better, man, a better father, a better friend and I hope in time I will still get to show you I am a better husband.

The only thing I could do was keep moving forward and try to change.  I knew when I bought your clothes for work, I knew when we bought your laptop, I knew when we got home and I knew that last night.  What confused me at times was not the show of affections you occasionally gave, It was when I saw what you had packed as your UAB. Almost everything in there, especially the knic-knacks you took screamed a memory of us, they were all connected to something we had done together. You took the statue I bought for you to symbolize you and I.  Now this could be that you just don’t want an empty house, but I have to hope its because subconsciously a part of you wants me to change, a part of you however small, wants us to complete this journey.

All that being said, that is not where we are right now. The last 24 hours has been pretty hard. But I am making it….well faking it till I make it. I intend to keep this promise, i will be your friend,  I will help you through this, I will help you through the Sudan! We will only be an hour apart there so we can all talk most nights! You will know you ARE NOT alone and you never will be, that is extremely important in a place like that, I cant tell you what it meant to get a letter, or a package, to make that phone call home to you and hear the kids voices.  You did that for me and now I will do it for you.

While I will share with you tough emotions I will not beg for or expect some kind of resolution or recantation to get what I want. I meant every word I said to you yesterday.  It broke my heart to see you cry.  Especially because I knew you were crying for me, out of guilt, but don’t. You are free of that cross babe, that along with many others is mine to bear. But I want you to understand I accept my place in this, for lack of better term, I am now the Martyr…. in the sense that I know the only true gift and proof I can give you of my undying love for you is to help you stand on your own, apart from me, even if that means you end up with someone else. It is the only way you can know how much I love you.  You know me, you know that I will not stop loving you, I believe you know that deep inside….so I will channel that love and be your pillar to stand on.  Yeah like today their are times when something happens that opens a wound for me that only you know and understand, and when that happens I intend to still turn to you….. but that will be the exception, not the rule.

So I will fill your feed full of pics of the kids and let you know all the great things they are doing, I will reform our daughter and help our Grandkids, and yes I am doing it for them……but i am also doing it for you! And I will patiently and eternally love you from afar and hope one day you find your way back to me.  Till that day I am just a man, a father, a soldier and still….a husband, trying to do the right thing by my family….especially you, the one that deserves it all the most. As always, I love you…..Good Night Donna.

She Stopped loving him today

Well, what do I say to you babe, that I have not already said……. here is a poem I wrote last night as I was laying in bed….not wanting to accept where we were, wanting to hold onto you tighter…..but I knew the firmest grasp would only drive you away……so to show you I love you, I have to say goodbye.

There are so many things i regret, so many promises never kept………I left you alone against the world, you carried burdens for us all……and when you asked me for my love…….I just stood there quietly…….

I let it all just slip away, because of stupid games that I played, payed more attention to other things, and made you wonder why you stayed……. today I watched you walk away……had no right to ask you why……all i could do was let you go………..while inside my soul had died.

I built this bridge on neglect and pain, I let your heart lose pace with mine…. I did these things to drive to away…..and now all I can do is cry.

I see the path i lost in life, a road I strayed down once or twice…..I let these foolish things get in the way  and let our love die today….

But I will love you till I die……through everything we gave away……I will love you endlessly and hope you find your way back home to me……a thousand journeys I will take…….search for you across space and time……but i will love you till I die till I hold you one more time, tell I gaze upon your eyes and you will know my love will never die…….

My poor attempt at poetry……….. I know now the chances are almost non existent. But you know me, I loved you through it all, I never stopped no matter what, my heart belongs to YOU and that’s just the cross that I must bare.  I hope you find the love and happiness you want, i prayed you might still find it with me, but if you don’t its ok….Because I’ll still love you anyway.  Goodnight Donna!

 

Grande Ole Flag

The last 24 hours has been a little rough. I stayed up on Tuesday because I wanted to find out where you were going. I was hoping you would call me or message me to tell me.  I found out by randomly logging onto facebook and seeing you tagged me and I realized the world knew before me.  It hurt a little honestly but I did not want to take away from your moment.  But I also realized what right do I have to expect that from you.  Then I realized where you are going and it all hit me again that you are going there because of my failings as a husband and a father. I have been living in denial for years that my “sacrifices” should have been enough for you and the kids to love me….I wore that bullshit like armor and always used it as my defense. The truth is as I have said before….I failed you. I failed our family. Its a miracle you have stayed and put up with my bullshit as long as you have. I am sorry I was cranky about how I found out, it really was me being mad at myself…. I wanted you to want to share this with me so bad that you had to tell me….but we are not there yet…I say yet because I can’t give up hope for us.  I have so much to prove to you, so much I owe you!

This morning then started with me walking up the driveway and slipping on the ice twisting my knee and hitting the ground pretty hard. Got a nice bruise out of it and said to hell with it, left the trash can and limped to the car and went to work…. went to apeteek at lunch for some pain meds but they did not really help much.

I was glad to hear everything went well with HR and your transition went smooth. I will let Evelyn know…shit…i better tell you that for real as well…lol. But at the same time, the fact that once again you have to rescue us and buy us a better car, I am not worthy of your love….that is becoming very apparent to me….all you do is give, and all I ever did was take.

I got the Vat turned in as well, nice chunk of change, will come in handy in a couple moths for stuff for TT, Heemers and company.  I wish I could turn back the clock on so many things. But all I can do know is push forward.  Aside from all of that the day was kind of uneventful… Oh Gracie face and I made Pizza together, it was a lot of fun! She is an awesome kid….thank you, because you did that. I hope things are going well for you. I miss you. Good Night Donna!

Who’s gonna drive you home….tonight

Another sleepless night, It just wont stop, that fucking dream AGAIN..it kills a little part of me every-time i wake from it. Is this my own personal hell, was this my punishment to see her over and over again, to relive that moment…to tear apart my pysche and have me ruin everything I loved but I am not strong like that.  God I miss you.  I just laid there and cried for a good hour. But I cant actually tell you all this. It hurts so bad babe, it makes me feel like I have this dark aura around me and it is so hard to snap out of it, especially when your not there.  I know to you it was just me waking you up and ruining your sleep and I am sorry, you have no idea how much you just being there made things right again,  I instantly know I am home when you are there…. I have to figure this out.

I also really could not tell you just how much that little bit of money saved us…..Thank you. I has been rough financially. I know you know that but I did not want you to know just how bad it was.  I  actually went to olerex the other night and exchanged a bunch of 20’s to get money to give Donovan because I did not want him carrying a handful of 20’s for lunch. I wanted them to have the illusion everything is ok. Sorry I could not handle the GM financial issue, they wanted money to defer the payment…a deferral charge, tried to explain to the lady…if I had money to make a deferral payment, I would have money to make the car payment….no such luck. aside from all of that the last few days have been ok.

Arwen an I finished the VAR receipts, but you know that. She is so awesome. I see all your little expressions in her, she is definitely your mini me and her smile still can snap me out of any funk. I tucked her in tonight, first time in a long time, and we did our little ritual…who’s the prettiest girl in the whole wide world……she still does it just because she knows it makes me smile even though I know she is way to old for that now. Tucked Donovan in as well… Made sure to remind them both that you love them and miss them.  I love you and miss you.  No matter where this ride takes us or how it turns out……I will always love you…. you are now and always will be my person! Good Night Donna!

Oh What a Night

I have been trying to keep this blog going nightly for my own sanity, but as you know….sometime life happens. Cant believe its only been 2 weeks. I am not sure about you but for me it seems like an eternity. Every morning I wake up and roll over and look for you, and every morning your not there. I even woke up this morning and left the room without turning on any lights because I didn’t want to wake you…only to step out of the room have the dogs almost run me down and realize…hey dipshit she is not here…lol All week everybody has been talking to me about the superbowl but for some reason I just don’t care. It seems like such a small insignificant thing right now. I think I am coming into my own on the running the household stuff.

I will definitely make life easier for you on our first posting together. I can easily handle the house and kids now, while you focus on your job and career. I have a lot of doubts in myself and my abilities but I just know somehow I can do it now.  Thank you for sending the money, i did not want to tell you how bad it really was here, it has been hard hiding it from the kids….Arwen has asked the last couple nights if I was going to eat, I just made excuses about not feeling well or not being hungry and just sat with them and talked, truth was there was simply not enough for all four of us.

I am really glad we are getting to chat as much as we are, I don’t know if your feelings are changing at all, but I am happy to at least be able to talk to you.Your presence for me is like beauty and the beast….you are my Belle.  I know being away from the kids is super hard on you….I am sorry it happened this way. I am sorry I did not do better by you and them…but i will try to make it up to all of you.  Well I need to get to bed…… Good Night Donna.