Well its day 3 of this new phase in our lives together/apart. I like to think I will be like Jimmy Stewart’s character George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life and tomorrow morning I will wake up and you will be here and I will have many more Christmases with you to make everything right in the world….but we don’t live in a fantasy world….dreams and wishes don’t come true on their own, you have to make them. Like Jimmy Stewart’s character I had everything I could ever want….but just did not realize it.
So I have a real confession to make…..I knew, I had a pretty good feeling for awhile back in Dhaka and I was almost 100% sure when we came to Estonia about what was going on. I knew and I don’t know why I did not do anything. You see I really , honestly didn’t know what to do. I through the words at you but none of the deeds. I think knowing , like am idiot, prevented me from acting, I dont even really know why now I can. I think it is because I still had to wake up, I still was trying to find a way to climb those last few feet out of the emotional whole I have been in for years (Satge 3 that we talked about the other day)
I also knew when we were home for Christmas, but this is where I started to have my realizations and was only then when I was able to finally do for you what I should have been doing all along….yes I know, a day late and a dollar short. But I had told you well before that I was making these changes to be a better, man, a better father, a better friend and I hope in time I will still get to show you I am a better husband.
The only thing I could do was keep moving forward and try to change. I knew when I bought your clothes for work, I knew when we bought your laptop, I knew when we got home and I knew that last night. What confused me at times was not the show of affections you occasionally gave, It was when I saw what you had packed as your UAB. Almost everything in there, especially the knic-knacks you took screamed a memory of us, they were all connected to something we had done together. You took the statue I bought for you to symbolize you and I. Now this could be that you just don’t want an empty house, but I have to hope its because subconsciously a part of you wants me to change, a part of you however small, wants us to complete this journey.
All that being said, that is not where we are right now. The last 24 hours has been pretty hard. But I am making it….well faking it till I make it. I intend to keep this promise, i will be your friend, I will help you through this, I will help you through the Sudan! We will only be an hour apart there so we can all talk most nights! You will know you ARE NOT alone and you never will be, that is extremely important in a place like that, I cant tell you what it meant to get a letter, or a package, to make that phone call home to you and hear the kids voices. You did that for me and now I will do it for you.
While I will share with you tough emotions I will not beg for or expect some kind of resolution or recantation to get what I want. I meant every word I said to you yesterday. It broke my heart to see you cry. Especially because I knew you were crying for me, out of guilt, but don’t. You are free of that cross babe, that along with many others is mine to bear. But I want you to understand I accept my place in this, for lack of better term, I am now the Martyr…. in the sense that I know the only true gift and proof I can give you of my undying love for you is to help you stand on your own, apart from me, even if that means you end up with someone else. It is the only way you can know how much I love you. You know me, you know that I will not stop loving you, I believe you know that deep inside….so I will channel that love and be your pillar to stand on. Yeah like today their are times when something happens that opens a wound for me that only you know and understand, and when that happens I intend to still turn to you….. but that will be the exception, not the rule.
So I will fill your feed full of pics of the kids and let you know all the great things they are doing, I will reform our daughter and help our Grandkids, and yes I am doing it for them……but i am also doing it for you! And I will patiently and eternally love you from afar and hope one day you find your way back to me. Till that day I am just a man, a father, a soldier and still….a husband, trying to do the right thing by my family….especially you, the one that deserves it all the most. As always, I love you…..Good Night Donna.